Don't let it hit you on the head.

Ever done something that you regretted.? Ever left someone you thought you'd never would have leave them.? Ever broken promises.? I have, quite a long time ago. Things always went the opposite way instead of going the way I want them to. Some promises are made to be broken, but some aren't. What I realize the thing about life is how you see it, not how you think about it. People will always have problems in life. Instead of sitting on a chair or walking forth and back worrying how to solve a certain issue, why don't we take action to actually do something. Things always hits you on the head when you thought of stuffs that is unnecessarily. It makes you wonder how bad you are doing, and how hard it is to get through all the problems in life. The only thing that hit me on the head is you, you are the one that have been in my mind since the day we left each other. You have not done anything wrong, I'm the one who walked away.I was hoping that you could stay longer. Guess I made a mistake for thinking that you'll really wait. It's too late. Eventually, everyone leaves, and people change, and time don't wait, and now it's too late.

A realization.

On this day, I realize how time passes so fast that even I couldn't understand why it does. I've been staying with my Grandma, that is my dad's mum, for almost a week now, because my uncle Ben and family went to KL for holidays. Grandma couldn't follow cause' she couldn't handle all the walking and playing like last time. Grandma is getting older now, she could barely walk without holding on to something, I always thought it was just last week she joke around with us, cook her best homemade dishes for us, followed us to everywhere we go for fun and also for holidays, came to think about it, it was years ago. It's been long since I spend so much days with her, I feel guilty, caught up with all my school works and stuff, I couldn't visit her often. Grandma is the best when it comes to story, she told me many of her childhood stories, how the Japanese took over, how she is married to my grandad. How my dad was when he was still a little boy, now my grandma is almost 80 now, and my dad is 54 now. It's amazing how time goes when you are all caught up with things in life, work, school work, Friends, and everything you can have in life. Grandma felt the best when all her grandchildren visits her and have a big dinner. I remember like it was just yesterday, everyone of my cousins, aunties and uncles would all gathered together, barbecue or just a simple feast. More than ten of my cousins would be together, aged from 4 to 20, including my nephews. It was so noisy where they all running around in the house making all the noise. It was so much of a fun. People asked me, how can you handle all the screaming and little kids playing and running around with you, wanting a back ride, and without getting tired.? I smile and I just tell them, see how happy they are.? At that time, I have this thought, don't you think that the best time of life is when you're small and every little things can like, come and go. It's like, there's this two kid fighting for one toy, and that the other have it, and he doesn't want to friend him anymore because he have what he wants, but then after a few minutes, you see them playing together with the toy and was laughing and making up stories again. You have the best of time in childhood, and so, after childhood, you still can have the best of time in the memories of their childhood. I have no idea if they're all going to remember me when they get older, but I only knew that I have fun with them, and that I ever have them in life. Cousins are like the closest friends than friends you'll ever had. But came to think about it, it's been so long we haven't had all this time again, I got caught up with school work, some of my cousins are getting older, same goes for them, also, they are all caught up with exams, school works and friends. Little did they came to visit grandma, I realized that Grandma is getting older and older and that she feels lonely at times. I wish I could pull a little more time for her, would love to visit her once or twice or even three times a week. I pray for my Lord, I need my Lord to be with her all the time, catch her when she falls, heal her when she feels bad, love her like that way You love me. Bless her with all the blessing that You've given me, and that she could live a happy life. No worries for her.

Where can I rest my head.?

I feel like drinking more than 8 cans of beer, so that I can puke and feel numb. I feel like doing things alone, just to get used to being alone. I feel like listening to music using the strongest bass headset, and listen to Just A Dream sung by Nelly. I feel like going to the beach, sitting alone at the beach side bench, just to think about you whole night. I feel like holding you tightly and never let go, but came to think of it, I can't. Letting go of your hand, does it suppose to happen.? Run and shout what ever I feel like saying, Drop dead. Call you my baby just to make myself smile. What to do if nothing turns out right.? All I can is walk my life knowing that I can never have you again. Close my eyes I still see your face. Open my eyes, it was only just a dream. Everything can be little things when you're not around. Watching you watching someone else may be the most suffering thoughts ever. Tried hard to look away, but then again it goes back to something like, " why don't I just leave and avoid all this." A big mistake that I'd like to make. Just perfect.?

How hard it is to be happy.

Life make me experienced falling, flying, hanging. Falling is the worst part, flying is the best part whereas hanging is the part where you always feel just enough for everything or either way you feel clueless and confuse. I'm falling lately, all I know is how different I am. Which makes it even harder for something. How sad is to say that there's not even a tiny bit of pieces of chance for me. How hard it is to be happy, huh.? No where to turn, don't know what should I do, which part of life I'm going through.? Which part of it I'm suffering. All my secrets are kept. To no one I'm telling. Who to tell.? Only God knows. I've been telling Him every night. What had happened, I wanted to tell you my secrets, but you became one of them instead, and now I think I'm keeping it to myself. That way, nothing will go wrong. It gives me a Diamond of As', Me, Club of As', You, and Hearts of K. What do I see in all this, it's so unrealistic. I said, I take chance. I tell the truth. I say no. I spend all my cash. I get to know someone random. I'm being random. I sing out loud. I laugh at stupid joke. I cry. I get revenge. I apologize. I tell someone how much they mean to me. I want to tell that asshole what I feel. I let someone know what they're missing. I laugh until my stomach hurts. I say I love you. I fall in love. I wanted to tell, but for this time, I'm keeping it to myself. This time, I'm throwing that part of my life away just so that I could see you again and again, normally, at this time, How I wished so badly that I can feel like I'm flying. But.. happy endings are so rare.

Obstacles, I hate em'

At this time of my life, exactly this time, this age, this year. I realize how obstacles in some issues can be so irritating and annoying, they can either make you lose a chance, have you in situations where you felt like hell. I met one today, how sad it is to say I don't even know what had happen, a heavy feeling went down when I saw what was coming. My heart sank, for the first time ever, I could actually felt the heart sinking, and some more, there wasn't any mood to go on with things. I keep on questioning God what had happened.? Wondered if it's supposed to happen. Butterfly in the stomach can pretty much definitely tell how I feel before that. how hard could it be, if we could just leave things on their own. Go as how God wanted it to go. Anyhow, I just wish that God would give me this chance.