A realization.

On this day, I realize how time passes so fast that even I couldn't understand why it does. I've been staying with my Grandma, that is my dad's mum, for almost a week now, because my uncle Ben and family went to KL for holidays. Grandma couldn't follow cause' she couldn't handle all the walking and playing like last time. Grandma is getting older now, she could barely walk without holding on to something, I always thought it was just last week she joke around with us, cook her best homemade dishes for us, followed us to everywhere we go for fun and also for holidays, came to think about it, it was years ago. It's been long since I spend so much days with her, I feel guilty, caught up with all my school works and stuff, I couldn't visit her often. Grandma is the best when it comes to story, she told me many of her childhood stories, how the Japanese took over, how she is married to my grandad. How my dad was when he was still a little boy, now my grandma is almost 80 now, and my dad is 54 now. It's amazing how time goes when you are all caught up with things in life, work, school work, Friends, and everything you can have in life. Grandma felt the best when all her grandchildren visits her and have a big dinner. I remember like it was just yesterday, everyone of my cousins, aunties and uncles would all gathered together, barbecue or just a simple feast. More than ten of my cousins would be together, aged from 4 to 20, including my nephews. It was so noisy where they all running around in the house making all the noise. It was so much of a fun. People asked me, how can you handle all the screaming and little kids playing and running around with you, wanting a back ride, and without getting tired.? I smile and I just tell them, see how happy they are.? At that time, I have this thought, don't you think that the best time of life is when you're small and every little things can like, come and go. It's like, there's this two kid fighting for one toy, and that the other have it, and he doesn't want to friend him anymore because he have what he wants, but then after a few minutes, you see them playing together with the toy and was laughing and making up stories again. You have the best of time in childhood, and so, after childhood, you still can have the best of time in the memories of their childhood. I have no idea if they're all going to remember me when they get older, but I only knew that I have fun with them, and that I ever have them in life. Cousins are like the closest friends than friends you'll ever had. But came to think about it, it's been so long we haven't had all this time again, I got caught up with school work, some of my cousins are getting older, same goes for them, also, they are all caught up with exams, school works and friends. Little did they came to visit grandma, I realized that Grandma is getting older and older and that she feels lonely at times. I wish I could pull a little more time for her, would love to visit her once or twice or even three times a week. I pray for my Lord, I need my Lord to be with her all the time, catch her when she falls, heal her when she feels bad, love her like that way You love me. Bless her with all the blessing that You've given me, and that she could live a happy life. No worries for her.

Where can I rest my head.?

I feel like drinking more than 8 cans of beer, so that I can puke and feel numb. I feel like doing things alone, just to get used to being alone. I feel like listening to music using the strongest bass headset, and listen to Just A Dream sung by Nelly. I feel like going to the beach, sitting alone at the beach side bench, just to think about you whole night. I feel like holding you tightly and never let go, but came to think of it, I can't. Letting go of your hand, does it suppose to happen.? Run and shout what ever I feel like saying, Drop dead. Call you my baby just to make myself smile. What to do if nothing turns out right.? All I can is walk my life knowing that I can never have you again. Close my eyes I still see your face. Open my eyes, it was only just a dream. Everything can be little things when you're not around. Watching you watching someone else may be the most suffering thoughts ever. Tried hard to look away, but then again it goes back to something like, " why don't I just leave and avoid all this." A big mistake that I'd like to make. Just perfect.?

How hard it is to be happy.

Life make me experienced falling, flying, hanging. Falling is the worst part, flying is the best part whereas hanging is the part where you always feel just enough for everything or either way you feel clueless and confuse. I'm falling lately, all I know is how different I am. Which makes it even harder for something. How sad is to say that there's not even a tiny bit of pieces of chance for me. How hard it is to be happy, huh.? No where to turn, don't know what should I do, which part of life I'm going through.? Which part of it I'm suffering. All my secrets are kept. To no one I'm telling. Who to tell.? Only God knows. I've been telling Him every night. What had happened, I wanted to tell you my secrets, but you became one of them instead, and now I think I'm keeping it to myself. That way, nothing will go wrong. It gives me a Diamond of As', Me, Club of As', You, and Hearts of K. What do I see in all this, it's so unrealistic. I said, I take chance. I tell the truth. I say no. I spend all my cash. I get to know someone random. I'm being random. I sing out loud. I laugh at stupid joke. I cry. I get revenge. I apologize. I tell someone how much they mean to me. I want to tell that asshole what I feel. I let someone know what they're missing. I laugh until my stomach hurts. I say I love you. I fall in love. I wanted to tell, but for this time, I'm keeping it to myself. This time, I'm throwing that part of my life away just so that I could see you again and again, normally, at this time, How I wished so badly that I can feel like I'm flying. But.. happy endings are so rare.

Obstacles, I hate em'

At this time of my life, exactly this time, this age, this year. I realize how obstacles in some issues can be so irritating and annoying, they can either make you lose a chance, have you in situations where you felt like hell. I met one today, how sad it is to say I don't even know what had happen, a heavy feeling went down when I saw what was coming. My heart sank, for the first time ever, I could actually felt the heart sinking, and some more, there wasn't any mood to go on with things. I keep on questioning God what had happened.? Wondered if it's supposed to happen. Butterfly in the stomach can pretty much definitely tell how I feel before that. how hard could it be, if we could just leave things on their own. Go as how God wanted it to go. Anyhow, I just wish that God would give me this chance.

The Scientific Death of Jesus

At the age of 33, Jesus was condemned to death penalty.
That was then the “worst” death. A Crucifixion Only the worst criminals could die like Jesus. And with Jesus things were worst, because not all the criminals condemned to death could receive nails on their hands and feet.
Of course, nails… Big nails! Each was 15 a 20 cm long, with a point of 6 cm. Another point was sharp.

The nails were craved into the pulses, and not into the palms, as we are used to hear. In the pulse, there’s a tendon which extends till the shoulder, and when the nails were being hammered, that tendon broke, obliging Jesus to reinforce all the muscles of his back, so that he could breath as He was loosing all the air from his lungs.

In this way, He was forced to support Himself onto the nail craved in his feet, which was bigger than those craved into his pulses, for both feet were craved together. And, as his feet could not endure for long time without tearing, Jesus was forced to alternate that “cycle” so that He could breath.

Jesus endured that reality over 3 hours. Yes, over 3 hours! Long time, isn’t it? Few minutes before He died, Jesus was not bleeding anymore. He was simply pouring water(plasma) from his cuts and holes.

When we imagine Him injured, we only picture Him with injuries, but it is not enough; His wounds were true holes, made in his body.

He had no more blood to bleed, He only poured water(plasma). Human body is composed by near 3.5 litres of blood (for adult).

Jesus poured all 3.5 litres of his blood; He had three nails hammered into his members; a crown of thorns on his head and, beyond that, a Roman soldier who nailed a spear into his chest.

All these without mentioning the humiliation He passed after carrying his own cross for almost 2 kilometres, while the crowd spat on his face and throwed stones (the cross was almost 30 kg of weight, only for its higher part, where his hands were nailed).

Jesus had to pass all this experience, so that you can have free access to God. So that your sins could be “washed”. All of them, with no exception! Don’t ignore this situation. HE DIED FOR YOU!. For you, who now read this in this site.

Do you ever wish, you'd never been born.?

Question that people have the most in life. Do you hate your life.? Do you want to die.? Just because you think that your life sucks. Do you ever wish, you'd never been born.? Not too say I've not. But yes, I have. I have ever wish that I'd never been born. Not to say this for you to think I'm pathetic, sad, or even stupid. It's hard for people like me growing up, I have different personalities than the other girls around. People look down on me, laughed at me, thinks that I'm weird. I've ever thought that why would people wanna do this to you. At that point of life, I tried to gave up, I felt like I've never lived, never felt good about my life, never had I ever thought of having a great life. I'm a quiet person before, to think differently, I feel loved by my family, I've gone through a lot. Not to say all but a lot, I have a habit for every night before I go to bed, I'll pray. To thank the Lord what a great life he has given me. At the age of 17, I learned that not everything or anything will satisfied you in your life. You got to live up to it. What you have is what you need, what you don't have is may be a unnecessary, if it's necessary, you'll have it next time, when you starting to know what you want and when you have the ability to get what you want. It isn't easy to have a life, you have the time thinking how sad your life is, thinking how you're gonna kill yourself to end your life. Why don't you just stop it, instead of thinking about all the bad things, why don't you take the time to know more friends, love more people, help more people.? I am very grateful that Lord has given me my life, my family, my friends. Not to say this in a humble way but in a proud way that I have a bunch of friends that even money can't afford. They make me smile, laugh, enjoy life and experiencing the things that I couldn't do alone. Love for my friends, respect for my friends. Life is too short to wake up with regrets, do the things you thought of doing, don't think to much for you'll only have worries. No one said that life is going to be easy, but if you try hard to live, instead of sitting at the corner crying your heart out, tryna commit suicide, why don't you put effort in living, try hard to live your life. Live like your dying and die like you never lived. We all have something to live for, our life.

Time of my life.

I see through life changes, dare not to say that I've seen it all. A simple part of everything I've been through for this moment. Breathe deeply and let the feelings carry you away, you can sometimes feel lonely, feel loved, feel mad and that would probably be a definite. But then again, look back onto things that made you smile. Everything that ever made you stare and smile suddenly while you're having class, lunch, dinner, anything. It's a worth. You might feel a bit weird when people would be asking what are you smiling about, but who knows but only you and God, it's a little secrets between you and your life. Living in this world, almost everyday I heard people complaining, being tired of living their life, what to do if it's your life, it's a do it yourself thing. You made your life this way, for once, have you all ever drop everything on hand, having complete silence, look back and think, what have you had, and also what have you been through, what have you done, and then there's a chance for you to think, you live a life better than people with no food, no shelter, no love, no family. Think about it, and most probably you won't get fed up about life.

Look into your own life, be grateful, be thankful, God has plans on each and everyone of us, all we need is patience. Not to think too much, stay the way we are. We might most probably live a happier life.